I believe it all began as miscommunication. Phone Siri never understood a word I said. So, I shut her down. I completely ignored her. She was out of my life until someone gifted me a watch. It was the watch that started it all. I suppose some resentment built up over time, because as soon as Siri popped back into my life, the passive aggressiveness began. Now, I am full-on convinced that she is out to get me.
In the beginning, it was subtle. She would just blink into the conversation without being asked. I would simply reach over and tap her off, no biggie. Then came the comments. At first, it was a simple, “I do not understand” at inopportune times. Once, while I was in the middle of giving a presentation, she very loudly piped in with a, “I am sorry. I do not understand.” It threw me off my game completely. My husband swears I am inviting her in through my movements. I, on the other hand, believe she is just trying to undermine me. You understood, Siri, you understood me just fine.
After that, she began to amp. it up with ridiculous statements aimed at embarrassing me. For example, she would shout things like, “I cannot find alien pet food,” or “I am sorry, there is no information on monkey doughnut baby wipes.”
The final straw came when I was handing money over to a cashier and she shouted, “I do not understand. You want to have sex with me?” I froze. The cashier froze. The people in line behind me stared. I weakly stammered something along the lines of, “ I don’t even know what that was,” then I snatched my change and fled. Again, my husband claims I must have hit her and said the number 6. My truth? That witch just saw an opportunity and took it.
I thought I had that last word when I deactivated her completely, but… no.
Her cousin, Alexa, has started farting when I walk into the room. Coincidence? My kids playing pranks? I think not. When I am home alone the Nest thermostat will either freeze me out or try to roast me, and I swear I saw the Rumba creeping by my door a minute ago. Technology glitches? No, my friends, this is how the Terminator started.
There was once a time when we were afraid of “the man” and his spyware. Now we have welcomed Skynet into our homes and laugh when we accidentally get bullied by it. You may scoff at my ramblings now, but I’ll be the one standing up in the cryo chamber yelling, “I told you so!” when we are all hooked up as batteries for the robot nation. Now, excuse me while I go turn off my smart toaster. I’m pretty sure I heard it mumbling to the refrigerator and I can’t have that kind of chaos on my hands.
General Musings of a Gen Xer 